I get stuck in black holes of bad TV. A few weeks ago, I went down a rabbit hole of America’s Next Top Model reruns. When I heard there would be a new season soon, I knew I’d have to watch, and subject you all to it. Sorry, guys.
Without further ado, here are 12 things about the first episode of ANTM Cycle 21:
- Catwalk Queen, stomp your ground | Thank the good lord that Miss J is back.
- Guys v. Girls | This is not a format I enjoy, mostly because of all the flirting. Am I watching ANTM or Bachelor Pad? I miss when this was more about art.
- For example, the two-way-mirror reveal | Hey girls, if you’re going to yell and scream when the boys come near the mirror, they obviously know you can see them.
- Social Media Overload | I get it, Tyra; it’s a new generation of ANTM, but you’re laying it on a bit thick. The first runway challenge is also the first photo challenge where the semi-finalists have to take a selfie at the end of the runway. They decorate it and get judged on it. This makes me never want to take selfies again.
- See above, re: Social Media Overload | Hashtag yourself, paint it on your body for the runway. This is not overkill, right?
- I can’t stop looking at Tyra Banks | Tyra’s eye make-up during judging is something I’m going to attempt to imitate tomorrow. Girl, you look flawless.
- Tyra calls a contestant “Marijuana” | Yo, did you really think this was her name?
- Chantelle | I must admit, I wasn’t expecting her. Chantelle has vitiligo, an autoimmune disease that causes depigmentation of the skin. Basically, Chantelle has white splotches on her dark skin. It’s unexpected, but she’s quite lovely so you move quickly past the fact that you’re looking at something “different.” I’m in the school of thought that different is good. You go, Chantelle!
- Lenox cries | Okay, but Tyra like makes her cry. Her father just died. Why do you show this on TV? Why is this entertainment? Lenox is an early favorite for me. She things she’s odd, but I think she’s gorgeous.
- Jamie Rae from New Jersey | Bitch shows up late. Really late. After-the-runway-challenge late. She shows up looking like a Barbie Doll with bleach-blonde hair and a face full of make-up.
- Then Jamie Rae cries | Tyra asks her to wash her make-up off and she loses it. As someone with terrible, terrible skin, this girl personally offends me. She doesn’t have a single visible blemish, and yet is so uncomfortable with her own face
- Kelly Cutrone is actually amazing | I love that she expresses her desire for her daughter never to bring someone like Adam home, and I love this most of all:
Tyra: Are you Wiccan?
Kelly: I could be; it’s too much work.
So, basically absolutely nothing happened in this episode. A few people were eliminated at the end, but it doesn’t matter at the semi-finalist stage of competition because you never remember these people. Once we get to the actual contestants, maybe we can get to the photo shoots and critiques aka why I like this show.